My Date With a Brazilian Imposter

FIRST of all, if you're going to tout up your Brazilian heritage all over your Match.com profile, you should actually be Brazilian. This simply means, when you call me, I expect you to have a distinctly foreign accent that wisks me away to another time and place without the jet lag and travel costs. Instead, what I got on the other end of the phone was a dude who sounds like someone I could meet in a Des Moine Holiday Inn sports bar. Rude! This is not only unsexy, it is also deceitful!

So Des Moine tells me he'd like to take me out for drinks somewhere downtown. Immediately I (mistakenly) assume he'll take me somewhere semi-nice, like Little Branch or Death and Company. Instead, he suggests Kenny's Castaways, which is basically a smelly dive venue for shitty bands that arent good enough to play Mercury Lounge. ROMANTIC! The date lasted all of two hours before I bailed. Here's the stats rundown:

1) His "accent" came and went throughout the date, which means he's not only a dating con artist, but he's a LOUSY dating con artist.
2) He ordered a sex on the beach in what I think was an attempt to look foreign and sensitive, but really just turned out looking lame and vaguely gay.
3) He went to DeVry.
4) The band played only orignal Dutch socialist jingles that somehow sounded like Heart song parodies. Des Moine was very impressed by them. Very.

After their set was done I escaped to gayville to be with my people. And Chloe. THE END!

-Cate