How I Dodged the 'Roid Rage Bullet Simply By Being Lazy and Inconsiderate

I hit the crazy jackpot! I hit the crazy jackpot! Check this shit out!

Shirtless-man-who-sometimes-wears-shirts-apparently and I had tentative plans for dinner on Monday or Tuesday. We hadn't chosen the day, time, or place, however. Come Monday, I was a little over dating, having had two in a row, so when he called me I chose not to pick up, simply because I needed a break. He left me a very polite voicemail, so I decided I would call him back at my earliest non-annoyance at dating convenience. The voicemail went as follows:

"Hi there! Hope you're having a happy Monday! I had a great time the other night, hope you did too! I'd love to see you again, so call me back when you get a chance."

What a sweet guy! I'll call him tomorrow! Yay! Then bitch went straight up Ike Turner on me. Eight hours after the nice voicemail, I get these texts from him. That's right, plural texts. He had so much rage to share that it spanned two whole text messages! Here is a direct transcript, grammar/spelling errors and all:

"i cant believe your blowing me of you whore! seriusly?! i take u out and by you drinks and u dont call me back???!!?! whatver! good!!! im glad i dont have to worry about catching your diseases now you fucking WHORE! FUCK YOU! WHORE!"

In his defense, this may not be an overreaction. I mean, he did buy me like 2 (well) vodka and diet cokes, and I did admit in my previous post that I wore red hooker heels to our first date. Maybe he meant "whore" in the professional sense, in which case it certainly stands to reason that I may have several venereal diseases. To prevent this kind of misunderstanding in the future, I'm considering only wearing white orthopedic nurse shoes to all my future dates. Then if I get a message with something like, "NURSE! I'M GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU A PINT OF MY BLOOD NOW! FOR INFUSIONS FOR OTHERS! FUCKING NURSE!" I'll know the gentleman's confusion was the fault of my fashion choices, and not a side effect of his obvious steroid addiction.

ps - That Polish ex-girlfriend didn't move back to Poland. She's still here, and hiding. I know it.

-Cate

Shirtless Hunk Refuses to Put 'Em on the Glass

Brace yourselves, readers. Shirtless man actually wore a shirt to our date. I don't know how it happened, but he somehow managed to put a shirt on before leaving his home, and judging by his all-shirtless calendar of Match.com photos, it may have been for the first time ever. SHIRT VIRGIN! This has to be because it was 20 degrees outside. It's the only explanation. He's a practical man, after all. If this had been a mid-August, or even, dare I say, mid-April date, he surely would have shown up bare, recently-waxed chest exposed without an ounce of shame. And really, I was wearing 4 dollar bangles from H&M and red hooker heels, so who am I to judge?

Anyway, we went to Auction House, he was pissed they didn't have Heineken, we talked about South American dictators, U2 (he's a superfan, and I refrained from making fun of THE MOTHAFUCKING EDGE. I'm a saint!), and his Polish ex-girlfriend he wanted to marry but who ran out on him and moved back to Poland to be an architect. He didn't know why she couldn't be an architect here. We're going out to dinner this week. The end.

Investment Banker

Ok, so I promised before I would talk a little more about my dates for this weekend. SQUEAL! I hate to brag, but my first time at the rodeo, and I got the bull by its horns. What am I talking about? And how do I know what happens at a rodeo? I am just guessing, but anyway.....ladies and gentleman, who am I kidding? No man is reading this. Ladies, I have scored the top prize among New York single women....the INVESTMENT BANKER. He even has an investment banker name along the lines of Richard or something (have to keep identities secret), but from now on, he will be known as Investment Banker, or IB.

I personally don't get it, money thing aside. I know I won't have a single thing in common with this dude. To attempt to figure it out all I had to do was throw "dating" "investment banker" and "New York" in my handy google search bar, and voila! Hoards of articles and sites pop up about how to snag an investment banker. LUCKY ME! I even found out my boss is dating one! Everyone is doing it! Summer in the Hamptons here I come! I guess I have to make it through the first date, but I have a feeling that won't happen. Since Jess and Cate have made lists today, I don't want to be left out! (can you tell I am the youngest child in my family?) Below you will find the reasons IB and I are destined to fail.

1. No matter how hard I try to stick to the rules, at least one ounce of sarcasm will slip out. I am sure an investment banker has never seen that on a woman before.

2. I aint a blonde.

3. My rack is just average.

4. I know nothing about money.

5. Battery Park scares me. Not for the same reason as Cate. Don't mention the Statue of Liberty to her. EVER.

6. He probably dresses like this:


I don't stand a chance... why can't a shirtless man pursue me?

-chloe

ZOMG A SHIRTLESS HUNK!!!

Minutes after signing up for Match.com, (and paying eleventy billion dollars for their non-Dr. Phil package,) I received my first email. In case you're not familiar with the way Match works, an email is a step above a "Wink," which is free and basically just a way for someone to ask you if you think they're disgusting or not. If you wink back, they know you don't find them gross, and THEN they email you to ask you out.

So that being said, I was surprised my first suitor decided to skip the entire wink process and boldly email me with a "hey cutie! can i take you out sometime?" Such confidence! As the rules state, I have to accept this date unless I think he'll likely assault me, so I headed on over to his profile to gauge assault likelihood. HERE IS WHAT I FOUND:

1) He is a personal trainer (Free consultation! W00T!)
2) As such, he is ripped in that weird, 1950s, Jack LaLanne, bodybuilder kind of way, and has chosen to upload only shirtless photos of himself. Shirtless in Italy, shirtless in a hot tub, shirtless AT THE DAMN 7-11. He's like a shirtless "Where's Waldo." FUN! This goes on for about a dozen shirtless photos.
3) He's apparently HILARIOUS! His friends think he should be a comedian! A SHIRTLESS comedian! This will revolutionize the comedy world, believe me. Carrot Top, watch your ass.

Nudity aside, I've decided that although he definitely has the brute strength to assault me, he probably won't. I shall get on board with shirtless man and date him this weekend. Standby for updates.

-Cate