why am I single?

Another little update of what has been going on since I haven't been posting. I went and paid for the Spice Girls reunion concert, not once, but 2 times. Cate and I went the 1st time, the 2nd was with gay man, of course. Why am I single?

SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!

EDIT: Photo credit. Pat (touchy touchy)
- chloe

No one likes a quitter

I have been a terrible settler and Jamestown resident, and I apologize to you, our fans, all 3 of you. We are back on track! Valentines Day was a bust because we reverted to our old habits by drinking red cocktails, eating chocolate covered things, and watching romantic comedies (only for irony folks), instead of finding dates. Good thing we never made consequences for the rules or else I could foresee myself being forced to sit through an eppy of Millionaire Matchmaker as punishment.

Because of my boss, whom I affectionately call "the weave" behind her back, I never got to blog about my stalker. It's true Cate had a much more threatening encounter, but mine is technology-wise better. Here we go, strap in tight.

So I had been pushing off dates with this 6 (his ranking) for quite some time, mainly because of "the weave." I finally have a free day over the weekend and TENTATIVELY (a running theme for us Jamestowners) make plans with him. He seems excited, however, there was NO LOCATION or TIME set. Sunday evening rolls around and I decide I much rather watch 'The Office' and eat Coldstone birthday cake remix (why am I fat?) than force myself to have a conversation with a 6 (at best). He calls, and I ignore it. Ok, that was juvenile, but I wasn't rejecting the date, just putting it off again.

So here is the detailed time of events:

9pm - comes around and I figure I am safe. No such luck. I get a text reading: ? That's it, just a question mark. I ignore it, figuring I can tell him I fell asleep and smooth everything out tomorrow. No such luck.
10pm - 6 CALLS IN A ROW! Wtf, I obviously can't answer now. I am getting slightly concerned.
11pm - 2 more calls back to back. Hmm maybe he is just concerned with my well being?
12pm - 1 more call for good measure I suppose.
12:30 - I go to bed, thinking I am in the clear and intent on blocking him from all internet communication sites in the morning. I figure all the calls warrant a legitimate fear.
6:02 AM!!!!! - 2 more calls. I was sure I was dreaming this one, but when I woke up for real at 8:30 ("the weave" doesn't request my presence until 10), I was assured it was no nightmare.
10am - I block him from instant messaging and the dating site from which I found him.
1pm - He calls my work number, which I NEVER GAVE HIM! I am actually freaked at this point but completely unsure what to do.
3pm - Another text with "?"

The phone attack ended there, but then a WEEK later I get this on a popular social networking site:

1. Clearly you aren't over it buddy.
2. Was there a question in there?
3. What was he trying to accomplish?
4. You effing insane, don't ever call me again mothafuckaa!

I realize I am irresistible, but this was pathetic and what sent me into a reclusive state in which I stared at my freakishly small nail beds all day and refused to log on to my assigned dating site. Don't worry kids, this chick is back and ready to take on the freaks! Bring 'em on!

all my love,
-chloe

It's All Al Gore's Fault!

Some people are goobers. And that's not their fault. They drink beer out of cans and they smash them on their heads. They are Tex-Mex enthusiasts. They think Jessica Simpson is hot. Depending on their arbitrary make preference, they put those stickers of that little boy wizzing on either a Chevy or a Ford on their cars. Many of them enjoy the band Tool. All of them enjoy Nickelback. I went on a date with one of these goobers. Check. It. Out.

1) The place he selected demanded an "OUTRAGEOUS!" (his words, not mine) $7 dollars per margarita, so he suggested we scoot it on down to the nearest generic dive bar. Being the demure and accommodating G.G. I am, I told him I thought that was a great idea, even though I thought it was a stupid and cheap idea.
2) After we sat down with our less-than-seven-bones hooch, he proceeded to talk about Tool. A lot. He talked about Tool without interruption for a good 20 minutes, despite my constant insistance that I don't listen to Tool and didn't know WTF he was talking about. He couldn't help himself. I mean, the sheer magnitude of Maynard's entrance at their last show brought him to tears.
3) He finally did shutup about Tool, though, and we moved on to the "What do you for a living?" conversation. He found out I used to work in the muzak biz and then proceeded to try to promo-guy me on about 50 of his friends' bands. Descriptions like, "They're like Bon Jovi! But they RAP!" abounded.
4) He insisted that Texas has a great wine country now. While I have no idea if that's true or not, I said something like, yeah, it makes sense, the climate is changing everywhere. This comment brought on a shit storm of a tirade about how global warming isn't real, Al Gore made it up for money or something, and it's all a big liberal conspiracy.
5) That's when Jameson shots became necessary. I don't know what we talked about after that (I kind of remember trying to tell him about my passion for touchdown dances?), but I DO know I was equally bored with it and peaced out rather early.
6) I then stumbled home to Jessica, threw my bangles in her general direction, and passed the eff out. The end!

-Cate

PS - Al Gore invented the internet.